Feeling down
This post is a bit dear diaryish but its real, honest, and raw emotions in the midst of infertilty and struggling with being obese.
I am feeling so depressed the last few days.
I am on my 2nd letrozole cycle and from the beginning things just aren't going as flawlessly! My temps were erratic to start with and my OPKs aren't getting darker. I am now on Cycle day 16 and have yet to have a positive OPK or an ovulation. It seems clear I am failing this cycle! Now with the cycle I got pregnant on with Bryn it was a failed cycle with a really late ovulation so I am not out of the woods. But when I got pregnant with Bryn I have always known it was God intervening and didn't really have anything to do with the drugs. So this time I am just feeling down about all of it. On top of this I have been really binge eating and I have officially gained all of my weight back! I do not feel good about myself and I am struggling with intimacy and feeling sexy. I feel too fat. I feel unattractive. I feel that my husband is not attracted to me! It just hurts.
I am mad at myself for self sabotaging at every given opportunity. Every time I get back on the bandwagon I am off with in days. I know how to eat. I know what to eat. I know what to do to be successful. Yet I self sabotage. WHHHYYYYY
I have been praying for guidance and deliverance for a long time with this. I have been praying the same with my fertility. And I just don't understand what I am missing or what his plan is. I am grieving this process. I just don't understand. Why am I not learning or hearing what I should be doing. I am trying to be patient with God's timing as I always know it is perfect timing. That really does bring comfort when I am down. But today....... I am just having a hard time shaking these feelings.
I feel that God has been telling me that I really need to seek him and his word and learn more. Upon delighting in his presence and seeking his kingdom and immersing my life in his light maybe then it will be time to grow in the earthly ways I am desiring. I feel like my food issues and addictions are also spiritual. It is sinful and gluttonous and lacking self discipline. I will continue to pray. God will hear my prayers in due time I will see his path for me. I know his path for me is perfect. I know I am needing to learn some hard life lessons and it can't all be easy. I trust his will. It is good and it is perfect. In the end his plan for my life is better than mine. Even if it means I will not become a mother again. Or the path to motherhood for a 2nd time is harder than before. It is all for a good and perfect reason even if I don't understand. He will come through. I will continue to wait and be faithful.
God is bigger than any problem I face. He will prevail. My faith as small as a mustard seed will move mountains.
I am feeling so depressed the last few days.
I am on my 2nd letrozole cycle and from the beginning things just aren't going as flawlessly! My temps were erratic to start with and my OPKs aren't getting darker. I am now on Cycle day 16 and have yet to have a positive OPK or an ovulation. It seems clear I am failing this cycle! Now with the cycle I got pregnant on with Bryn it was a failed cycle with a really late ovulation so I am not out of the woods. But when I got pregnant with Bryn I have always known it was God intervening and didn't really have anything to do with the drugs. So this time I am just feeling down about all of it. On top of this I have been really binge eating and I have officially gained all of my weight back! I do not feel good about myself and I am struggling with intimacy and feeling sexy. I feel too fat. I feel unattractive. I feel that my husband is not attracted to me! It just hurts.
I am mad at myself for self sabotaging at every given opportunity. Every time I get back on the bandwagon I am off with in days. I know how to eat. I know what to eat. I know what to do to be successful. Yet I self sabotage. WHHHYYYYY
I have been praying for guidance and deliverance for a long time with this. I have been praying the same with my fertility. And I just don't understand what I am missing or what his plan is. I am grieving this process. I just don't understand. Why am I not learning or hearing what I should be doing. I am trying to be patient with God's timing as I always know it is perfect timing. That really does bring comfort when I am down. But today....... I am just having a hard time shaking these feelings.
I feel that God has been telling me that I really need to seek him and his word and learn more. Upon delighting in his presence and seeking his kingdom and immersing my life in his light maybe then it will be time to grow in the earthly ways I am desiring. I feel like my food issues and addictions are also spiritual. It is sinful and gluttonous and lacking self discipline. I will continue to pray. God will hear my prayers in due time I will see his path for me. I know his path for me is perfect. I know I am needing to learn some hard life lessons and it can't all be easy. I trust his will. It is good and it is perfect. In the end his plan for my life is better than mine. Even if it means I will not become a mother again. Or the path to motherhood for a 2nd time is harder than before. It is all for a good and perfect reason even if I don't understand. He will come through. I will continue to wait and be faithful.
God is bigger than any problem I face. He will prevail. My faith as small as a mustard seed will move mountains.
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